To Hold Your Hand One Last Time
by Redrose001
Summary: Before the barricades the one thing that Marius loved to do was to hold Courfeyrac's hand as it had always made him feel a little braver when he did.
Courfeyrac hated keeping secrets away from Cosette and he was positive that Marius felt the same way about the matter and the fact that Marius had valued honesty in both of the two people that he kept close to his heart. He knows that with the birth of the new world there was going to be the revolution, that could end up being so wonderful or so disastrous and it could lead to their deaths. Despite the fact that the revolution was going to have a lot of effect on the lives of the people that they were fighting for and that both he and Marius had dedicated so much time and passion to the cause, he never told Cosette about what he and Marius were doing, and each week Courfeyrac would tell Cosette that he and Marius were attending a wine bar with some friends, even though recently each of their friends had been polishing guns instead of gambling their last francs away in domino games. Courfeyrac did feel awful about lying to Cosette every weak about his and Marius's activities, but it was necessary, as he didn't want Cosette to worry about them and he knew that she would disapprove of what they were doing, as even though the lady had the most beautiful smile that could only be created by someone who had the most pure of a soul, Cosette had the temperament of a demon when she found out that her boys were getting into trouble and they could be causing danger to themselves and end up putting their lives at risk.

Courfeyrac could easily say that is a selfish man for doing something that he knows that his loved one would disapprove of, but he tends to push that thought to the back of his mind as he thinks of the benefits for the rest of the people and he would consider the needs of the many people outweigh the needs of the few and he would rather end up dying for a cause that he believed in, instead of staying on the sidelines in safety while his friends end up suffering .

He knows that there is a chance that he or Marius might not make it back, but he is trying to remain positive but that is becoming a task now. In his rather short life, so far, Courfeyrac is grateful for the many things that he has. He is grateful for the fact that he is able to go to university and study law, a privilege in itself. He is grateful for the fact that he has never had to go a night without food, unlike the many poor beggars on the streets of France , who he and his friends are fighting for. He is extremely grateful for his friends and he doesn't know what he could do without their humble existence. He is grateful for his two true loves and he doubts that he would be going on without the two of them at either side of him. Courfeyrac wouldn't say that he believes in luck or that God has blessed him out of all people, but regardless of anything, he is truly thankful for what he has and the fact hat he might loose his good fortunes in a revolution makes fighting for it seem even worth it, so one day he can stand side by side with Marius and Cosette and they can look at the sunset over the new world that they have created with this revolution. Courfeyrac wants to see that more than all the gold in the world or the gates to heaven when it is his dying day.

It is one day before the revolution and Courfeyrac becomes more aware of the dangers that could possibly happen while he is on a barricade. When he goes over to Combeferre and Enjolras's apartment for a private meeting and the last chance to say goodbye to another, just in case things don't go in their favour. Even though both Combeferre and Enjolras look ready for the events of what will happen tomorrow, there is some relucantsy that is coming from Combeferre and he has an expression of anxiety on his face, while Enjolras can only talk the revolution with a sort of childish passion about him, that is so full of hope and Courfeyrac can see why as Enjolras has been talking about changing the world since they were children and his day has finally come. Courfeyrac reckons that the revolution and France would be Enjolras's mistress with the amount of love and devotion that he puts into his causes, and the speeches that he writes are like love letters to a mistress with the passions that he writes about. Courfeyrac does wonder about Enjolras and he wonders what type of person Enjolras would be if Patria wasn't his mistress and it was someone else and it was a person with a beatnig heart and it was someone who could tell Enjolras that he was loved in so many ways. He reckons that Enjolras wouldn't be as happy with a women or a gentleman- if he chooses to be with one. He reckons that all of the love and passion that Enjolras would ever have, will only be towards Patria and the republic. Despite his concerns for his friend, Courfeyrac doesn't mind that his true love and his soul mate is a country as being honest, France has a potential to be so great, but it needs help to grow up and become the utopia that Enjolras and so many of the people wish it to be. Courfeyrac believes if one person is going to change the world it is going to be Enjolras.

Enjolras and Combeferre spend every free second that they have in their meeting, planning attacks, plenty safe areas for medical treatment and where to get bandages. Or even going into the streets of Paris to try and recruit more fighters for the barricades, as they are sure that the people will come when they call. Courfeyrac is less enthusiastic about this as the time passes, he has to admit. He will stand up on the line and fight with his brothers in arms any day, but the enthusiasm that he once claimed before is starting to wear down and he is thinking about his possible death and how he might not be ready to die. As the meeting draws to a close, the feeling of fear settles down in his stomach tightly and it doesn't go away no matter how many postive thought that he can think stands by the door as he puts on his hat and his gloves and he looks at his best friends who are more like brothers for one last time. He knows that he will see them tomorrow morning but he is wanting to have the memory of them looking happy and alive without blood covering their faces that would be distorted with pain and fear if he encountered them during a fearsome moment of tomorrow's battle. Combeferre does his best to keep his composure and Enjolras has a frown on his face. Courfeyrac knows that they are wondering if this would be the last time they would see eachother alive and after many years of being in fellowship with another was finally coming to an end. The air becomes thick when they say their final goodbyes to another, and what surprises Courfeyrac the most is that the ever so stotic Combeferre starts to weep as just before Courfeyrac is about to say his final goodbyes and is about to take his leave. With that Courfeyrac begins to let his eyes water and his fears about tomorrow get let out as he wraps an arm around Enjolras and Combeferre. He can feel his heart break when he hears Enjolras's breath begin to quiver and he can feel Enjolras tighten his embrage. Courfeyrac knows that by tomorrow that all of this excess of emotion that he and what Enjolras and Combeferre are feeling will be gone by tomorrow, and they will be as stotic as ever and they will be ever so brave when they march to their deaths. Courfeyrac can't even imagine how the rest of his friends are doing and he is postive that among the mask of postivity and bravery that all of his friends have been wearing that they are all terrified underneither. They should be, they are still only children who have been on this world for under thirty years and they have so much to live for, but they are giving to give up their youth to fight for the bigger picture that is more important than what celebrations they are going to have when Joly manages to charm Musichetta or when Bahorel talks about the merrits of doe skinned trousers and all the sucesses and conquests that he has experianced among all the young madains in Paris when he wears them. The cause is so much bigger than them and it so going to be worth all the heart ache and the misery that is going to happen from death, when the revolution eventually does take place and the people are all free.

Courfeyrac has never been afraid about death and he had never put much thought into the matter, until he had fallen in love. It wasn't death that he had been afraid of, but it was the pain of people getting left behind that upset him greatly. Knowing that he could cause someone so much heart ache with his death terrified Courfeyrac as he knew that he wouldn't want to experiance it himself and it didn't seem fair that he could cause someone so much suffering just by doing someothing so inocent such as dying for a cause that he believes in. He asked Prouvaire about death one day and Prouvaire only smiled and said that it was somewhat necessary for the rights of the people and how it was part of life and fate that was going to hapen to everyone.

"What about the ones that we leave behind?" Courfeyrac asked after a few moments of careful pondering as he removed his hat from his head and placed it on the table. "Our deaths are not necessary for the people who leave behind, they are going to get hurt by our sudden departures."

Prouvaire only smiled and placed a hand on top of one of Courfeyrac's. "If they are hurt by our deaths, it means that we are loved by them and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would write a letter, to let them know that they are loved, just in case you meet your final sunset tomorrow. I've done the rosery nine times and I've light nine candles for us, just incase none else does it for us. Even though we are doing the best for the people , some are going to think our intentions are not kind and they will fear us and they will fear the change that we are shining for them. If I die tomorrow , i will die happy and my death will not be in vain, my love for the world is worth more than my blood that is spilled on the meddows of France and hopefully it will inspire at least one person to make change. "

It was that answer that made Courfeyrac not sleep that night. Normally Courfeyrac would be able to sleep rather soundly in the large bed that he, Marius and Cosette sleep in. Each morning, the three of them would wake up in a large pile of limbs as tired kisses and declarations of love were exchanged right before breakfast. Marius was also wide awake and he kept looking at Cosette during the night, as if he was committing her face to memory just in case they didn't make it out. The two them were at either side of Cosette and they could hear her soft snores and see her fluttering eyelids during the night when the light of a candle hit her in the best was possible.

They could feel that there was an air in the room that hinted that there was something bigger than them that was needing to be spoken about but neither of them had the words to say anything. Realisation that this could be the last night where they could be all together in one piece. It was something that Marius and Courfeyrac took for granted, being able to spend almost every night with each other without the threat of never having this luxury again, but right now they were cherishing every minute.

Courfeyrac tossed and turned several times before he gave up on sleep and he climbed out of the bed and went to the desk that was on the other side of the room where he and Marius would often write their letters, Cosette hated the desk because it had a wobbly leg and she prided her handwriting and she decided that she would rather risk getting ink on her dress rather than have illegible handwriting, so she tended to write her letters on the back cover of a book or just be leaning on any object that looked as if it could be strong enough to suffer being written on and being able to withstand the possibilities of getting ink stains on it. Courfeyrac pulls out a several sheets of his best parchment and he begins to write a letter each for Marius and Cosette just in case the worst happens and he is unable to say his goodbyes.

"What are you doing, Courfeyrac?" Marius yawns sleepily as he lights another candle, so he could see more Courfeyrac that just a faint silhouette that was created in the dark. "We should be sleeping, we have a big day tomorrow."

Courfeyrac lets out a small chuckle as he removes the cork on the inkwell. He looks over to Cosette and he smiles slightly before he drops his smile as he looks over to Marius. "I need to make sure that people need to know that they are loved by me…just in case, you know?"

"Cosette already knows that you love her." Marius whispers as he climbs out of the bed, feeling slightly guilty for disturbing Cosette, who didn't seem to notice that both of her sleeping partners had left the bed. "You tell her that every day for at least several times and that is before breakfast." Marius walked to the writing desk and he placed a hand on Courfeyrac's cheek. "You know that isn't going to happen to you. Nothing is ever going to happen to our friends, we are going to get the new world that we all want."

"I cannot predict the future, and neither can you." Courfeyrac dryly chuckles as he leans into Marius's touch. "Besides, there is another person who needs to know that they are loved by me and they own a part of my heart."

Marius gulps loudly as Courfeyrac never told him that he loved him. He knew that Courfeyrac admired him and had a flame for him, but he had always just assumed that it was because they had Cosette and that was it. Sometimes Marius felt like a outsider to his own relationship, because three was an odd number and one person seemed to get left out at times due to the fact that you could do so many things with three people and it was generally easier to just be in a couple, as people thought that you were normal and you weren't a sinner for that. Courfeyrac loved him, and it was a a wonderfully warm feeling , Marius had experienced it before as he knew that Cosette loved him, but now that he knew that Courfeyrac did as well, the feeling was stronger even more wonderful than before.

"I love you too," Marius whispers as he felt Courfeyrac's fingers tangle with in his own.

"I believe that you should be writing your letters as well, for I would be rather upset that I didn't get one." Courfeyrac says quietly as he passes Marius several pieces of parchment and a writing pen.

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"When will you two be back home?" Cosette asks as she stood on the stairs and adjusted Marius's cravat before she placed a kiss on his cheek and did the same for Courfeyrac. "I am going to be making hazelnut soup for dinner, and papa has going to be using the left overs to give to the poor, so you should have your soup before it is gone."

"I am not sure." Courfeyrac says with an air of anxiety in his voice. "But no matter how long the two of us will be gone, I am letting you know that you are loved dearly between the two of us."

Marius feels his eyes go a bit wet, as he begins to realise that this could be the last time that he would ever see Cosette and Courfeyrac. He looks over to Courfeyrac and he saw that his eyes looked sad despite the effort that he was putting in to keep smiling, but the smile was artificial and Marius disliked it as it wasn't a real Courfeyrac smile, that Marius had grown to love throughout the time that he had spent with the other man and he disliked the fact that Courfeyrac's eyes looked like the glass eyes that you would see on a dead animal that had been turned into a rug or it had been stuffed and put up for display in a household of someone who was filthily rich. He wraps a hand around Courfeyrac's arm and pulls him in close. Courfeyrac tenses up for a moment at first, but he soon relaxes into his touch. He manages to pulls his eyes away from Cosette for a few moments to look at him, as he looks at him, Courfeyrac's eyes looks more alive than they have done in the whole morning and his smile looks completely real this time.

With a final kiss from Cosette , Marius and Courfeyrac left Rue Plumet and they walked hand and hand to the Musian. The two of them rarely held hands, mostly due to the fact that they disliked the stares and the comments that people would make to them as they walked past, but the two of them didn't care. The streets of Paris were full of life, and people game them venomous looks as the two of them walked past, some even spat in their direction, but they didn't care. Courfeyrac's hand on his hand was the only thing that was keeping Marius from crying from fear at any moment, and he was determined to keep hold of it for as long as possible for a small amount of bravery.

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Guns were firing and there was loud screams. The barricade was large and mighty and with Enjolras standing on the top with the red flag in his hand and his hair blowing in the wind, for a moment Marius was positive that they were going to get out of this. He tightens his grip around Courfeyrac's hand and they don't say anything. Courfeyrac's hand clutched around his was enough and he knew that Courfeyrac didn't need to tell him anything. They were going to make it out alive Marius was sure, until the first bullet was shot and it narrowly missed Courfeyrac's shoulder, and lodged itself into his arm.

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Marius knew that there was a possibly that one of them weren't going to make it out alive, but he never thought that he would be the only one who survived. It didn't seem right that he was the only one out of his friends to live after the barricade; he wasn't brave like Prouvaire or intelligent like Combeferre or passionate like Enjolras or even had Joly's charisma. Or everything that Courfeyrac had. He was just Marius, who never contributed anything to the group, he wasn't brave and he was a coward who clutched onto Courfeyrac's hand for as much as he could for an ounce of courage. It should have been anyone one of his friends who lived, and not him. He desperately wished that it was Courfeyrac who was the only one who lived. Courfeyrac was the better one between Cosette's lovers, actually Courfeyrac was a lot better than anyone on the world and he had died. Marius has known that a star had died in the world, but it also felt like the sun had died as well, rendering the world into a dark place when the light shone out of Courfeyrac's eyes.

Marius hates the Musian now and he hates to go inside it, but he forces himself to do so as he needs to be punished for living. He can almost hear the laughter of his friends in the room as he walks into the destroyed backroom that the meetings took part it. He will sit on one of the few chairs that are not broken and listen to the ghosts of his dead friends for hours on end. He doesn't speak in those hours and he goes alone with only his memories to stay with him, haunting him constantly apart from a few hours after a bottle of wine has been opened or he is with Cosette. He does not want to forget Courfeyrac and he knows that he will never will but he feels guilty in a way when his mind thinks about the future or the present and it doesn't think of Courfeyrac or his friends for some time. It is taking some time to adjust to life without Courfeyrac. There is always just too much room in the bed, the table is always almost set for three people at dinner even though most nights there is only two places needed to be set. Marius's cheek feels a little colder in the mornings when he wakes up and before he goes to bed as Courfeyrac would kiss it before waking up or driffing to sleep. Apparently time has the abilty to heal all wounds, but there is some that cannot be healed and they go too deep into your heart. It is impossible to pick up the threads of an old life, Marius realises, it is impossible for things to go back to the way they were or the person that you were once when a piece of your heart is missing. Marius realises that the wound will never heal completely, but hopefully he and Cosette can learn how to live again somehow with a missing part of their hearts.

"You know that it is not your fault that you were the only one who made it out alive." Cosette's gentle voice breaks through the non-existent laughter of his friends , but Marius still hears it all in his head and Courfeyrac's loud laughter is the loudest and it haunts him. "He knew that there was a risk, and he was willing to take it."

Marius lets out a shaky breath as he tries to ignore the tears that are in his eyes and the ones in Cosette's. He holds her hand for a little bit of bravery and comfort that he doesn't deserve.

"I found his letter." Cosette murmurs as she pulls out a envelope from her dress pocket. "He wanted you to get out of the barricades alive. He would be even more heart broken if he knew how heartbroken that you are."

"Do you believe in ghosts?" Marius asks quietly, as he grabs the letter in his hands and looks at the way Courfeyrac wrote his name on the envelope, He loved the way Courfeyrac wrote his name, with the swirl on the 'M,' and the loop that connected the 'U,' and the 'S' together. It would be the last time that he saw his name written like that, and he was morning that loss now.

"Yes, I do." Cosette whispers as she clutches Marius's hand tighter. "Do you think that he would be here waiting for us to say something to him? He doesn't like to wait be told something. "

Marius only nods and he moves his head to the corner at the front where the stage that Enjolras would speak at while he was still around. There is a small table where the stage once stood and Combeferre and Courfeyrac would sit around there while Enjolras spoke absorbing every word that came out of his mouth. Marius moves his eyes up to the height where Courfeyrac's eyes would be there if he was sitting down and he looks into the distance, as if he could see the man he loved at the table. "Do you think that he knows that we loved him?"

Cosette tearfully nods as she wraps her arms around Marius, taking care with his bad shoulder. She looks into the distance as if she can see Courfeyrac sitting on top of the table with a smile on his face. "Of course he knew that we loved him and we knew that he loved us. "

"It was one of the last things that he told me." Marius murmurs as he feels the tears running down his face.

"I think that we should tell him now. " Cosette sniffs as she moves her eyes into the distance. "I love you, Courfeyrac and I won't ever stop. I miss you and I have even looked after your hats, just in case you come home." She breaks off sobbing and she can't stop, Marius holds her, but he doesn't look at her, he keeps looking at where Courfeyrac is or would be.

"I don't know what to say to you." He whispers. "But I am grateful that you spend some of your time on earth with someone like me and I love you for it. Please forgive me for living and I will look after the two of us for you."

Marius doesn't know that if it is actually Courfeyrac or a figment of his imagination, but he feels a tightening around his hand that has the same feeling as if Courfeyrac was clutching at his hand for one last time. Maybe Courfeyrac sensed that he was some how needed right now and decided to make his presence known. As he walks out of the Musian with Cosette holding onto his other hand, he feels a little braver knowing that Courfeyrac is still with him in some way even if he can't see him anymore. The thought that Marius has as he walks among the people in the streets , is the question of how much time he has left on the world before his time is finished and he can once join Courfeyrac and his friends at the barriacdes once more and how he can somehow learn to find happiness again without Courfeyrac at his side. But now he has to wait, as his wife ties him to the earth and he would never leave her alone completely despite the fact that Marius is sure he is only half the man he used to be.

Even if it is Courfeyrac or not, he feels a little braver than he did before, and he felt as if he could go on for a bit longer.


End file.
